As I think back on it, my father had many profound things to say. I mean, that sort of profundity would only come in times of utter drunkenness but that’s besides the point. In one particular night of alcohol induced stupor, I remember him pulling me out of my room and forcing me to listen to him ramble on about the facts of life. Unashamedly, I’d like to say that I forgot many of the things that he said to me that night but one thing always stands out:
Yusun, as you grow older, it will be harder and harder to make friends. Once you graduate high school, the number of people that you can actually call ‘friend’ will diminish to about a handful of people. Look at me- I only have one best friend and my brother.
Back then, I proudly and sinfully thought in my head, “No way. I don’t live a sad existence like you do. I have so many people that I can depend on. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
It turned out that my father, no matter how inebriated he was, ultimately did make more sense than I gave him credit for.
When I happened to be a bit younger, trusting came so naturally. However, as life went on and as I experienced a plethora of friendships, I realized how ugly relationships can get. After a variety of failed friendships, drama and hurt, I drew up a full proof plan for myself. Months and years went into perfecting the art of keeping distances between people and hardening the outer shell of myself so that I’d never really have to be vulnerable to anyone (with a few exceptions, of course).
I got along fine. There might have been one or two times where I slipped up but overall, I was good at keeping certain emotions at bay. My plan would ultimately be foiled when the Lord led me to a little church in Bayside. When I first attended, I immediately knew that I was in some sort of danger zone. I was quite unsettled and distrustful of the immediate attention and care that I received by people. I disliked that they wanted to hug all the time. I certainly did not appreciate the fact that they constantly asked me questions so that I’d break out of my shell. I remember asking myself, “What PLANET do these people even live on? Is this really Bayside?”
They probably knew that the more they tried to get me to open up, the more I shut myself out but they never stopped trying.
Little did I know that the Lord was really working on me at the same time.
In the Summer of ’11, everything decided to blow up in my face. He used the events of my past life, the relationships that I already had, and the people at church to remind me of who was really in control. It was the most painful yet most profound moments of my life. He made me realize that by trying to control every aspect of my relationships so that I would not get hurt was limiting His power. By trusting no one I was essentially not trusting in Him. By refusing to grow in relationships, I was being stubborn and prideful. By hurting the ones that have been there for me for years and constantly victimizing myself was utter selfishness.
He’s changed me so much.
I mean, you can tell by the fact that I no longer awkwardly stay still, like a dead fish, while someone comes up to me at church for a hug. Ha.
Sometimes, I feel like a baby, learning how to walk again. It’s awkward and quite frankly, it’s all very strange to me. Opening up is taking some time but I’m inching towards it, making some progress. How blessed am I to have old and new relationships with people that bring out…me? I still can’t really believe it.
Hiding seems to no longer be an option and I’m so grateful.
